"..Tired of being what YOU want me to be...I want to be more like ME and LESS like YOU.."
Linkin Park

"Dont quit now. Suffer now and live the rest of your life as a champion"

Tuesday, October 21, 2014

Live Your Truth: Don't Fool Yourself

"it's easier to fool people then to convince them that they have been fooled"  -Mark Twain


Truth. I have a personal experience that relates to this truth. There was a girl that I was want to close to and she was going through a situation that I saw firsthand. I observed her situation and wanted to tell her the truth, that she was being used and fooled. For nothing did she believe me, because she was already in that situation for so long that it became all she knew. So I wanted to see something.. Instead of telling her that she was being fooled, I wanted to see how easily she can be fooled. A situation arose, and I told her one thing that was not true... Just to see, because obviously telling her the truth is not getting through her head. So I told her something that was not true and of course she completely believed it. Well I don't like fooling people soul later on I told her the truth, in which she did not believe. I'm just glad I told her the truth anyways, but when I read this quote it reminded me of her.


Though me and her do not have the most positive history, though she has lied to me, stabbed me in the back, misuse my trust, and deceived me and plotted against me, I still hope that she is doing okay. Till this day, though I am nowhere near her situation anymore, I see she is still being Fooled. 

"You can leave the horse to the water but you can't make them drink" as for my part, at least I know that I tried to give her the truth but it is up to her to awaken within herself. 


Though the "reminded me of her situation, I know many others are facing the same thing. I know people are in situations something like that, similar to what I'm talking about in the quote, and sometimes I have to question like how do you not see that you're being fooled? why aren't you putting things together, connecting the dots to help you understand what is going on around you? Or maybe a better question like why would you lie to yourself? why would you blind yourself to the truth just hope to have something that will never be there? 

I try to understand what people go through and why they feel the way they feel so I put myself in her shoes and I kind of did the same thing. But I couldn't help but to put everything together and connect the dots and see the truth so I was always wondering why she couldn't do the same? 

Truth is some people just refuse to see the truth, that is if they aren't already ignorant to it

If you are ignorant to it then you just don't know, but if you blatantly see it in front of you why lie to yourself and make yourself feel like it's one way when you know it's really not? Why live a lie? 

Honestly in my personal opinion it's a waste of time it's a waste of energy when your life can be evolving into something a lot more meaningful and have a lot more progress and you can be a lot happier just being honest with yourself and growing and evolving from within. I guess that's why they say that one of the rarest things that people are able to do is to live out their own truth. Because it will have to take them to face it first.



Saturday, October 11, 2014

Soul Survivor

"The only time you should ever look back is to see how far you've come"

Certain songs will always have heavy memories attached and this one has very heavy memories. This song brings back reminders of where I came from. This is one of the stories I still haven't told. 

Still brings me to tears just in a different way now. The reminder of the pain of those memories show me and reassure me now that i've come a very long way and I'm thankful grateful and strengthened by the fact that I'm still here.

I used to put this song on after school every day. I was going to so much during this time. As if I couldn't already take the pain from past traumas already at that point, I was still in school I was still young and I went through already what people would call a lifetime of things. From childhood traumas to neglect to loneliness to being misunderstood to rapes, molestation, mental abuse, heartbreak, been used, and then some..

Just to add on a miscarriage, more heavy heart breaks in the way that I never knew I would ever even handle at that age.. I didn't know how to handle that..  It's not like I had someone to talk to either. I felt like "who would really know and understand how to deal with this with me?" "Who would even want to deal with such heavy problems just for me?" My mom tried counseling but it didn't work. The issues were too far beyond for her to understand how these things all could even occur to someone so young. I saw how it bothers her and how it pain her so I didn't want her involved in my issues that deep anymore because I don't want to see her like that. I stopped telling her things that were going on for the sake of seeing her have a peace of mind.

Only things I couldn't hide or things that were already obvious. I was trying to commit suicide&  I was cutting myself and hiding it under long sleeve shirts, and my sexual appetite was out of control. I was trying to hide behind the sex, trying to find a release somehow, it was one of my ways of having, at least for that moment, no pain. I used to get high off of sex, cutting and eating (binging - overeating). 
I tried my best to suppress the obviousness of the pain that I was facing within from my family so that I would be better excepted with them, but I just knew at that point that it would never be the same because The amount of pain I was facing had already started to change me in another direction. 

And I know that no one in that house would truly understand enough or have the heart to deal with or even remotely be understanding towards what I was going through.  At times I was criticized for it. 

I was still dealing with my dad, I was really hurt by him and he would come by still and try to pick me up once in a while and I just got to the point where the pain really just started to show,  so one day he came over to try to apologize and tell me that he loves me and I told him that I don't love him.
As I walked away I could feel his tears.

I couldn't suppress the pain anymore for anyone's acceptance. That's when the pain really started leaking out. There were words that I said to my family especially to my mom to have cuts so deep that words alone tore us apart. I started shooting people different because I just couldn't take it anymore. We were supposed to be a family and I couldn't even have anyone to lean on, the criticism that I took along the way as well was just hypocritical. 
It got to a point where my mom got tired of running into the room and taking all the sharp objects out so I wouldn't do anything to myself. She let me make a decision from that point forward.

I continued for a few more years to cut my arms up, once in a while I also tried to go for my upper thigh so she wouldn't see but since I hid behind sexes well I knew I couldn't really damage that area. 
At least I know I didn't have to take off my shirt to have sex. 
 Ace bandages and peroxide were always in my room. 
I got introduced to this song, and music is very important to me and all that I go through, this song would bring me to my knees and in tears I would shout if no one's home to relieve some pain, even for a moment. If they were home I was scream from within and cried my soul to the floor. I cry so hard that I felt drained like an empty carcass after.

I remember doing a school presentation and high school on depression and played this song as well as a Nother song called "imagine me" by the same artist. By putting it out there like that I was actually trying to seek help but everyone just saw it as a presentation I'm not really a sign. 
I've been essentially doing this since then. When MySpace came out my blog a lot. I put out there how I felt about a lot of things including things that happen before my marriage, a few details of how I was heartbroken, my miscarriage, and other things. 
Due to a situation, I was pressured to remove it, so I removed a few of them. Some of those blogs that were removed have been rewritten on this website. 

Every day I cried my solo to the song and drenched my face with tears that came from my inner pain. Tears felt like they burn down my face. My arms were always read. Tried to hide it from my mama time so I wouldn't get in trouble.

My soul has taken so much already, more than I had ever think or imagine to bear.... I knew since the beginning that this life would not be easy, I've had visions since I was very very young, but when you actually go through it is when it actually hits you how hard the pain is. 
I have seen too many demons and they have expose themselves to me already, I could never see the world the same.

And yes I've still made it a long way through...

So when I say I'm a soul survivor, I'm not looking for acceptance of it I'm simply letting you know who I am.

And all I ever wanted to do with all this pain and torment experiences in my life is to build more soul survivors too.

I'm appreciative and humbled by the strength that I've gained from all my experiences so far. Without strength you can't help lift another..


( shit is real I'm here sweating and crying as I write this)

This is the song. Take a listen:


-Alyssa Gadson

Friday, October 10, 2014

Past to Future- This Time Do It For You

You past doesn't determine your future. You can in fact turn your life around this very day, this week, this month. It starts with you.
Stop the self pity, I know the pain is intense. Dot let it overtake you.
Just in case you're probably thinking I don't understand, I used to be a cutter for many many years, I've faced mental health issues, depression, BPD, childhood trauma, rapes, homelessness, abuse in every sense (physical, mental, emotional, verbal and spiritual), I've been completely broken.

I've also been rebuilt.

Is it easy? Absolutely not. It's incredibly difficult and painful. It means to let go of everything in your past that's holding on to you, clawing at you.
Your past demons will try to have such a hold on you, that for you to pull away from them means to rip them from you.


In time though, you will heal. You will be restored. This time, you have nothing holding you back, nothing oppressing you, you will be able to live your full potential. 

Go through it. Take the temporary pain... For yourself this time. Not for those hurting you, abusing you, taking advantage of you, neglecting you, not appreciating who you are... You've taken enough.
This time, do it for yourself. You've already seen how strong you are because after all that, you're still here, your heart is still beating, you're still alive, your heart still pumps.

This time, do it for the one who will appreciate every ounce of effort put in, every inner battle you fight, the one who will enjoy every victory thereafter, the one with the light within that the darkness tried to dim and shut off while you faced so much pain.... 
This time do it for You.

I don't care what they've tried to lie and say about you. People have put me down immensely throughout life. 
No one would try to do that to you if they didn't see greatness within you though. So it's time you look in the mirror and see it for yourself.
Bring it out.
Shine.
Your light can light the paths of others who go through pain as well. 

The greatest among us, go through the worst lives sometimes. It helps us to have that 100% compassion towards others who face the very same things we once have.
Others need the light within you.
Don't commit suicide, don't give up, don't give out...
Just give it your all, mind body heart and soul. Give it your all. Fight and show others how to as well.
That's why we are here.

Knowledge will also help you understand what you're going through from various perspectives as well, so you can use that as weaponry in overcoming all that you face. 

Don't feed yourself negative thoughts too. 
Like I said, you've done enough and have taken enough for your past, this time do it for your future. For your inner peace. For the life you desire.
This time.. Do it for You.



-Alyssa Gadson

Thursday, October 9, 2014

Closing the Gap: Story behind my disappearance

Sometimes when I feel the need to write, I sometimes can't find the words to say.

I know a lot of you are wondering what happened when I left and disappeared the first time, a year and a half ago.. I went to Missouri and I needed to be alone for a while. I went through a cleansing of thoughts as well as physical emotional and the renewing of strength. I did a lot of thinking that I wasn't able to do in Miami because of all the work that I was constantly doing in the entertainment industry. I felt overwhelmed and started to zone out, I wanted to just leave and be free of all those worries for a minute. In doing so I ended up, for lack of better words, rediscovering myself who I am and the reason why I've been through an immense amount of torment and in pain in my life. I was able to be back in tune with myself in such a depth that I wasn't able to have in many years because of the distraction of all the pain and scars. 
As much as I like weed, I had to stop using it for a few months because of my position as a contractor an administrator. I was able to use that time to look within myself in a way that I would've never been able to had I stayed. 
It's almost like I rediscovered a true strength within myself that I forgot that I had. I've been so broken down spiritually, emotionally, mentally, physically & verbally. 
Of course the video blogs and these blogs didn't stop. No matter what I continue or discontinue, me sharing my story for people to be a part of and take from is very important to me. 
I started moving around a bit..
After Missouri I went to Texas, Louisiana and then of course New York.. 
I absolutely love New York! I always have but it was just most definitely confirmed when I was there!

I also spent a lot of time with my daughter and continued working as well.
I really indulged in the city and there wasn't a moment where I didn't want to be in the city. As I usually say "New York is my soulmate of all cities" 
Hehe :)

There was a very good friend of mine who lives in Miami home I'm very close with, this person is literally the only person that truly knows every step of the way what has happened and how I feel and what I did every day while I was gone and how much I grew mentally after that.. Especially spiritually.
This person was very very excited and started to ask me if I would like to come back to Miami now that I am more ready to face my past and start new. 
I had a bad feeling about Miami and coming back though at the end of the day it is where I grew up and I did miss a few people. So finally this person convinces me to come to Miami... for a vacation... Or so I thought..

When I came down here everything was okay but for some reason I kept having a really bad feeling and I wasn't sure why. 
One night I was walking around South Beach and I went to go see a close dear friend of mine. In doing so I ran into someone unexpectedly who was obviously trying to catch my attention. At that time I really did not care and I blew this person off. I kept running into this person a few times so I started to wonder why. One thing led to another we ended up in conversation then I finally had the balls to go eat dinner with someone I don't really know. 
I don't normally do that, that's why am saying that.

As one thing led to another I ended up moving in with this person and everything was copasthetic.. Or so I thought.

This person in the beginning made me feel like they were really into me and their actions seem very genuine. As time went by though I started seeing another flipside to this person. Instead of loving and appreciating who I am this person decides to go ahead and use me and exploit me and treat me like shit. 
Yep by then I had already grew feelings for this person.. Smh

I basically got used cheated on manipulated mentally abuse lied to and bullshitted for almost a year with this person. That's just the beginning.. Apparently it bothered this person for me to do anything independently like I normally like to do. Even if it's to go buy soap!! I truly don't understand that. that's completely irrational to me. 

He wanted to do everything and have me depend on him for everything was completely bother me because I hate depending on people. Yes I was still doing my thing and dancing as well making money but I couldn't do a thing. I felt trapped, like I lived in a Tunnel. I felt like a bird in a cage. Like someone was trying to force a butterfly back into a cocoon.. Like really how does that work??!?! 
And if there's love involved and why is there a need for control? If you truly love something you would let it be. Isn't that what made you fall in love with it in the first place? 

If i fell in love with the bird flying freely in the sky waving around beautifully why would I want to destroy that and stick the bird in a cage where he can't spread it's wings anymore? 

I had a lot of anxiety attacks as well as a lot of spiritual compromising, taking a lot of mental abuse, and just as well as I've always known the truth they still tried to pull a wool over my eyes. 
I remember them saying "love can blind you" but see.. I know love. Love would never blind someone, it's always people who use the love of others to blind them. There's a very big difference.

My intuitions were always correct regardless of all the lies that were going on around me. Once I started to put everything together and connecting the dots I started to realize why am I giving up the inner peace that I worked so hard for, for people who don't give a shit about whether I have inner peace or not?? 

I cannot do that to myself again
I worked too hard for the inner peace and the awakening that I have been blessed with. I actually found my way back to myself again. 
Something precious like that should never have to be given up just to love someone and have them by your side. 

The right person that comes along will truly embrace what I have accomplished within me, not abuse it. 
Love does not fill your head with lies, people do. Love doesn't stab you behind your back or blind you, people do.

Love does not do any of these negative things but people do. And at many times people get both of these mixed up a lot. But you have to be able to tell the difference. 

Love is what I was trying to express to this person who didn't know anything about it. 
So yeah I left that situation and finally freed myself. Just like in any situation I have gone through, yes there's a lot that I've learned from that.. And didn't scar me? Plenty. 

I also have gained so much more strength or should I say I realize I'm a lot stronger than I thought. 

I'm out of that situation and it's been a while since I've seen them. I've already wished them well but other than that I have moved on. 
I'm becoming close with my family again, my careers starting to take off more, I have the freedom that I normally like witches I do what I want when I want how I want with who I want :)

I take care of all my business, I'm a hustler, I have fun doing it and at the end of the day I treat myself and do what I want, whatever makes me happy. There's a lot of projects going on and I'm excited about it!! 
But most of all my peace of mind has been restored. 



Venting: Heartbreaks

I just want to vent...
Something I've written last week....

I've been through so many heartbreaks, I've opened up my heart, just for it to turn around on me. The pain from it is never mild or easy. It's deep, it's profound. Soul-scarring. Hard to hide. It shows itself through my eyes, like the pain exudes from my eyes to the world. 
Guess that's why they say the eyes never lie. 
I've heard so many lines...
Sometimes I'll actually see this person is a good soul and against my better judgment I'll give it a shot. Just to find.. That when I open up my heart in warmth to him, I get hit with ice and betrayal. It's like why when I show the softest part of me, that's when I get stabbed? As if there aren't enough holes from previous knives. It's so scarred up now. It still pumps, thank God... I still til this day don't know how. I can sometimes still feel the strain in my breathing from the thought of the pain I've subjected myself to, just to love someone dearly and deeply.
And it's not so much about reminiscing on what the person did to me, but more like the wounds are still trying to heal and it hurts. Sensitive there. It's been stabbed so many times. Burned.

I just want to open up to someone that I can count on. That won't stab me there. Someone who won't just leave when it counts most. I want to give my all to someone who wants the very same thing with me. 

So even with my scars, wounds, I still hold on to hope and faith, and I keep pressing forward and love more fearlessly than before, each day. 

Not easy... Cause the pain hurts so bad and I know it's possible. But I keep in mind that I can overcome that too. That I'm a warrior. 
I was able to finally grasp a level of a peace of mind that I'm not willing to let go for anyone. I'll let go of the person before I give up on the very inner peace that I worked and fought so hard to attain. 
I rather wish that person the very best, many blessings, and just let go and let God.
There's someone I like. 
So yea, I'll be taking a risk. 
Taking it slow though. Faster you go the harder the crash. 

Having someone to give all my love to is so nice. Taking it slow is essential though. I'm gonna take my time and see where this goes. Cause I also know from experience, not everyone you meet is meant to stick in your life for long. Where discernment is needed is where I have to figure out which one it is. Either way though, I accept whatever is meant to happen, and I always find the blessing in situations and even relationships. Cause even a lesson is a blessing. 

Monday, October 6, 2014

Keep Stepping Forward

I have overcome this and Im out to share with you that you too can take back control over your life. Ive walked through Hell and when I was making my way back, there was plenty of discouragement and despair... You've got to keep moving forward, keep taking at least that next step forward, despite all the pain around you and within you. Keep moving even if its an inch at a time, do it. Your soul, You, Your peace of mind is worth it. Even if you have scars on your arms & blade marks on your wrist, face full of tears.. I sincerely and truly believe in you. You're the ones I fight for.


Tuesday, September 23, 2014

Love is Priceless

There's a quote floating around on Instagram.. I took a screen shot of it But because I have so many photos I don't know if I will find it. It goes something like:
"I rather walk in the rain with the man that treats me like a queen then to ride in a Benz with a man who compromises my happiness"

I tried to view things from many different points of view to understand why people post this type of quote. Some people read it and it sounds humble to some,  others might actually not agree, wild to the summit sounds like the wiser thing to do.

But do we really know the true meaning of that? A lot of women that I know and try to understand and to put myself in their shoes, I would not actually go for that because most women are looking for security as well.
But then we go through certain things to shift our perspective in life. We start to narrow things down to what is actually important, prioritizing things to what we think will make us happy. 
Just as well as I've studied other perspectives as well, I've also taken on my own and have pretty much stuck with it for many many years. I've seen how people can care about money and material things, and it tends to take the focus off what is really important in life. So I've never truly leaned towards the men who have it all because from my experiences I've seen how money can blind the real meaning behind fruitful relationships. 

I'll give an example. Your man comes home, whether it be a mansion or an apartment, to me what matters is not the fact that he wants to put a smile on my face but how?
Everywoman likes gifts, but when it's your only resource to actually put a smile on my face, it's time to Move on.
 The thing with most relationships that have heavy involvement in money is that they tend to lose sight on how to bond with each other without it.
I'll give you a little bit of my perspective on how I feel about it. I've always been a woman who can support herself, self-sufficient, independent. Whether I'm living luxurious or starting from ground zero, I've always been a woman with her own determination to build her own atmosphere, her own form of stability. I'm a natural Hustler and I like making my own money. Material things and money I have always believed that I can go get that myself and it actually feels better when I go get it myself.
When a man enters my life, material things isn't something I'm necessarily looking for. The question more in my head is "what can you bring to the table to complement my life without money and material? What can you give me that money cannot buy? Can you give me something deep? Something meaningful? Something everlasting?"
I've dated men who don't have anything all the way to millionaires and to me it doesn't make a difference. At the end of the day I'm still going to get out there and get my own money. 

For man to be by my side, it involves love, affection, an actual meaning behind the smiles. Though I'm more than happy to take my time to get there, I do think of marriage and more children. A man with ambition who is anxiously more than happy to come home to me and truly spend time with me and take his time with me will bring me such a smile that no dollar amount can try to put on my face. A man who can stand there and stick with me through it all, and who sincerely loves me for me, is more than enough for me to pour my love into him and make sure he is fulfilled at all times. 
I'm not looking for a pocket connection, I'm looking for a soul connection, a spiritual connection, a mental connection, & an emotional connection. 

Nothing wrong with a man having success, whatever level of success he may be on. But if that is all it's going to be about, that's not enough for me. I've been with a guy who only makes 40,000 a year and it was awesome being with him,  versus my other ex who makes $60 million a year and I was not as happy. I want somebody who I can kick it with, talk to about absolutely anything and everything and he understands me, he doesn't see judgments but pure understanding for who I truly am, he can vibe with me at home, yet spontaneous enough to just get up and want to do something with me and share as many experiences with me as he can. A man who is happy to have me by his side regardless of anything. And unconditional partner. Amanda want to comes to sex he's not just trying to cop a feel and get some but that there's true meaning behind the affection. Someone I can become one with, there's nothing that man won't have from me. 
That man's happiness now becomes a priority and to make sure that he's fulfilled with love every single day is my priority and I am more than happy to do so. His peace of mind is a must! 

Someone I can learn with, grow with, and learn from is crucial to me. No amount of money can provide that. 

Through a lot of what I've been through, I've learned that growing on my own is something that I'm able to do. I'm not attached to anything or anyone because of all the evolving changes and losses that I've experienced. I tend to live life very independently, on my own, self-sufficient, I love taking care of myself. 
A man's pocketbook is no concern to me. 

In general, I've never looked at a man as a source of money or need to provide. If I have a man next to me it's because his soul sparked something in mine. I would have to see potential for love and a deep connection for me to consider dating someone. I'm so used to doing things on my own that if someone wants to stand by me it's because you're going to complement my life in some way shape or form.
I'm fine on my own, so to have someone Next to me is something that I uphold and I find special and exciting! 

Besides, it's a very beautiful feeling to experience love with someone else who wants to do the same with you just as much as you do. 
Being in love is a spectacular feeling! Now that is something that is truly priceless!