Thursday, November 27, 2014
Friday, November 14, 2014
For those who haven't seen it yet, this video was recorded 3 years ago, when I was first admitting and coming out the closet about the little girl in me:
Normally, victims of childhood sexual traumas take a long time to let go of the memories. It even affects you mentally and psychologically along the path after that occurrence has passed.
"According to a 2003 National Institute of Justice report, 3 out of 4 adolescents who have been sexually assaulted were victimized by someone they knew well "
"A child who is the victim of prolonged sexual abuse usually develops low self-esteem, a feeling of worthlessness and an abnormal or distorted view of sex. The child may become withdrawn and mistrustful of adults, and can become suicidal "
Some facts to help you understand whats going on here.
For those who don't know the story, I wrote about it 3 years ago as well:
My Childhood Trauma at 10-12 years old.. and another one...
Well, its time for that little girl to be happy, and grow and catch up. As you already know, Im on a journey, becoming whole and filling in the holes where people have taken from me and never reciprocated back what I give. Just to be whole would be the biggest accomplishment to me. Its not easy, as anything truly worth it isn't easy. It takes strength, endurance, patience and faith.
Its frustrating dealing with this already. I know when Im the one talking and when its her talking. Yes theres a difference. I can still hear her cry sometimes, I can feel when she's scared, when she's down.. her suffering... it affects my mood sometimes cause I can feel it too.
The pain from it is so strong spiritually that others who are very matured and in tune spiritually can pick it up and see it. Normally, those are the ones telling me " you need to let that go and let her grow". And yes Ive come across a few people who are very spiritually mature enough to see whats going on within me. When they look at me, they also see her too.
It affects me as an adult as well though. Its very hard for me to trust now. Very very hard for me to trust pretty much anyone. Genuine people and truthful souls have become rare and very cherished to me. Those who have shown me this, I don't forget faces.
It affects my relationships, my moods sometimes, I still fight through it and replace it with positive thoughts, because I don't want to prolong the effects more than what it needed to be.
So honestly, Im tired of carrying these memories. Im tired of her growth being held back by a family member who couldn't control himself, who couldn't keep his hands to himself.
All I can say to him is, "when you do wrong, wrong comes back to you. God bless you, cause I don't curse people. I know what its like to live with one, so I don't wish one on anyone. But I won't let you hold her back anymore. She no longer belongs to you and your memories that haunt her. She's destined to grow and thats what will be from now on. As a child, there wasn't exactly a hero in her sky, so now me as an adult, Im going to be. Im going to show her the love and respect that you damaged in her. Again, God bless you."
Ive cried about this in private several times. Im tired of her being depressed, crying and sad most of the time. Its distracting to the growth that I have made thus far. Its not her fault, no one around her helped her. Meaning.. when that happened to me, after such a period of time of it happening so much, I couldn't take it anymore and tried reaching out to a few adults around me and they did Nothing... nothing at all. Useless was an understatement. Ive always felt alone, no matter how many people are around me, I feel alone. Because this is one of the roots why. I pretty much raised myself because if all they did was provide for me, they didn't raise me technically. All the other factors were neglected, especially when I needed it most, which was at that time. Thats why things started getting worse after that.
So, Ive reached a point in my life now, where everything is coming together, succeeding. Who am i to leave myself behind on that though? She's one of the most important parts of me becoming completely whole and at my full potential. So yes she's crucial.
Its time to let this go and let her grow into the strong young woman she is supposed to be. Its like Im looking after myself.
Thats ok. Thats part of loving yourself.When you love someone, don't you look after them or look out for them? you have their best interest in mind?
Well do the same for you too. Love is incomplete if you can't demonstrate it towards yourself.
"Desperate for chainging, starving for truth, closer to where I started, chasing after you... Im falling even more in love with you, letting go of all Ive held on to.... " LifeHouse
Music helps me express how I feel.
Everytime I hear LifeHouse-Everything , I cry...
Honestly, Im a firm believer in things happening when they need to in your path. Theres a bigger reason why it took until now for me to pull things together and fill in the holes in my life. The process and timing, yes has put me through a lot but has taught me so much as well.
Time to become whole :)
For those who've been through the same, let it go. Its not worth you holding back on your full potential because of what someone else has done to you. Stay strong and make it a priority to love yourself passed all the hurts and holes within. Make it a priority to become all that you're meant to be, even with that in your past. Let it fuel you and your strength. Believe that you can rise from it and become better, stronger and wiser. Learn the strength you have within by how you deal with this. You are stronger than you think. Lets do this together. Im with you on this. We will become everything we've set out to be.
Wednesday, November 12, 2014
I'm glad that this topic came up through a conversation on Facebook and of course it's great to answer this kind of question:
Would you go for the guy who has the money, the cars, the crib, all the financial stability and Florence it? Or would you go for the down-to-earth guy who still may not have it all together like that but is trying?
'Im a firm believer in and the fact that we all already come equipped with everything that we need to make our own lives and our own path successful and to overcome all our obstacles. There was no need to go look for in someone else.If We are the type of person that's meant to be with somebody that's perfectly fine. But the qualifications we put on people in order for them to be with us doesn't define what we're looking for in another person but it defines what we are missing within ourselves. Everything has a root and the root starts within us not with the other person.
I believe I have already made a YouTube video on how we already come with the strength capable to carry out our paths and our purpose for being here. And I've already made a blog about how we are already supplied from within what we need for this path in life that we have to walk.
Yes in today's society there is a lot of women, usually also the beautiful ones on the outside who pretty much only go for the men who are rolling in money and have all the material things and possibly even the Fame.
All the rich guys are pulling in all the beautiful women and it's all over TV, it's all in the lyrics of today's music, and so it sends a message and other men and women who want to fit this image follow the same pattern.
And as much as I love the women in my family and is beautiful and gorgeous as they all are, I've even been questioned growing up why wouldn't I go for the NFL player or the NBA player or the guy with money and a car whose cute and tall?
I understand that I've been blessed with beauty and I'm capable of getting that, but I just really honestly don't see the fucking point.
Why am I going to choose somebody to stand by me because they have a nice car or a nice house or full bank account? Since when does that define whether or not that person is going to stick with you and work it out and treat you like you know you should be treated?
Let me just keep it real with you, since when does his height or how much money he has in his pocket to spend on you actually define who he is within and what he's able to give you within?
I know everyone has a different opinion about what a relationship is and what their ideal relationship is so I'm going to give you my take.
To me it's about growth. One of the most important things to me is in her growth. If you drive a Benz but I can't learn anything from you that's going to actually been meaningful, then I'm pretty much just taking a joyride with someone that is just there. For that I rather go skateboard honestly and listen to some music.
I'm just being frank, or in other words straight up.
I'm going to give you to real life scenarios from my past relationships and then I'm going to tell you something from my past to help you understand where I'm coming from.
Okay as for the relationships, I've dated both and I'm just going to talk about both of them in one shot. Three years ago if you were following my story back then, you know I was dating someone, and this particular person, though he did not have his own house his own car or rolling with money in the bank account, I was able to talk to this person about absolutely everything. He was very intellectual and he's capable of so much more than what he actually knows because he's too humble to see it. Though that was his situation, I got along with this person the best, we can talk about anything, the sex was absolutely great, the chemistry was flawless, he's brilliant and he doesn't know it. He believed in my visions even before I did. He believes in me as a person and he was behind me 100% and anyone who try to come up against that he had my back he was down for me. Till this day we are still great friends. He never judged me nor put me down in anyway, and he was dating me at one of my worst points in my life, one of the lowest years of my life. I was homeless and he was there for me hundred percent, even when my family wasn't. I never forget people like that and he will definitely be one of the people" eating at my table."
The other relationship, didn't start off so bad. This is with another person who has an abundance of money and properties and Mercedes and more. Don't get me wrong he is a good man within. He's well-respected and he's a good father and like I said I'm capable of seeing a person's soul and I can tell he has a good soul. But the issues we ran into of course had to do a little with image, something that men with money worry about. He started to try to mentally abuse me a little bit and make me feel bad for what I was doing, not realizing that I had a plan of my own and that there's a reason behind every single move I making, that there's a bigger picture. But he couldn't look beyond what I'm temporarily doing right now. He kept saying that he has the money to fund whatever it is that I'm trying to do and that he could've taken cared of me and all these things. But what he couldn't realize is that I'm not that kind of woman. I'm not going to look for a ticket wait out through a man. I rather work for it and get it myself that way I don't have a thumb on my back saying "if it wasn't for me!" because honestly I can't stand that fucking statement..
It's one thing if he hadn't judge to me but love me unconditionally and truly, I might've been able to work out something to where we are both happy without compromising my own self sufficiency. But again with people who care about image and what others think and for filling an image of a certain type of someone standing by them, is not my thing and I can quite frankly not give a shit about what society thinks about who was standing next to me because that is my business.
So as you can see that didn't quite work out I walked away from him.
I have a few more relationship stories with a few rich guys that have gone far worse than that. But I won't get into that on this post I just wanted to make a point.
Honestly my whole thing is I understand that that's the whole thing that's going on these days or even since back then were all the women go to the rich guys because they're rich and they have a lot of money despite that they may not be all that from within.
But honestly the way I am in the way I've always been is when I look at somebody and see if it's worth partnering up with this person, I leave all material things out of question. Why? Because those are things that can fade away, those are things that if today was all burn down it would be all gone. Those are things that we can all also work for ourselves to attain in our own walk without having to use love and relationships as a ticket or gateway out.
Just like that person worked hard for it Dan night and got it, so can you. When it comes to material things, we all bleed red at the end of the day so we can all attain it if we were just all believe. Nothing is too hard to attain for those who truly know and believe that they can attain it and will work hard for it.
Love is something special. More like powerful should I say. Love is timeless and is not obtain through money houses cars fame and so on and so forth. Love is a chemical reaction biologically, and is a powerful unconditional force spiritually. That cannot be built on things that can burn. That is built from within starting with yourself. And then shared.
Love does not care or give a shit about how tall you are what your resume looks like what you live in what you're driving or even if you're driving at that, it doesn't care who you worked with and what image you're trying to carry.
More along the lines like an unconditional bond between two souls that come together as one. People have forgotten what that truly even means. Put your minds together grow together pull each other up when one is falling stay on one accord instead of judging try to understand each other and help each other and lighten each other MPower each other inspire each other and to make that persons happiness a priority, not just happiness but more importantly their intergrowth. I would want to make my partner stronger and better from within so whatever it is that they're trying to conquer in their own path they have the strength to. That's part of being a backbone for that person. It's about lending your ear to that person and responding to their soul and not taking what they're saying at face value.
Yep you pretty much can guess it I'm all about intergrowth but why is that? Because when we are strong within ourselves then we can be strong for others as well. Everything starts within you. If you can't love yourself if you can't motivate yourself you can't be strong for yourself if you can't enlighten your own spirit how are you going to be able to do that for someone else? I would rather have somebody who's there for me and loves me unconditionally for who I am despite anything.
I can buy a mansion tomorrow and I would never say "if it wasn't for me " because when I'm with someone we are one and in my eyes we got it because he was just as much important to me and helping me get it because of what that person does for me within.
It takes much more the material and images for me to even consider someone to stand by me. And I seem to go more for the guys who don't have $100 million in their bank account. I'm perfectly fine with that. That is something that I myself can attain.
I more want husband and family. A lover a friend soulmate, someone who understands me in and out and believes in me and is my backbone as well.
Ladies, that can come in all shapes and sizes. He does not have to be 6 feet. The man I'm with now is not 6 feet and I am more than happy with him. He's a great man to me and I love him dearly and I believe he is a true blessing. And no he doesn't have a mansion and all these things, simply because we have the same mentality when it comes to that. We don't want to spend all our money on a house in car. We rather have a decent house and travel everywhere and make memories.
We rather use it to make memories together.
That's one of the things of what life is about
Sunday, November 9, 2014
Im literally playing music every chance I get. Even when Im working. Music is neurologically stimulating and affects your mental, physical and emotional. Theres times where its ok to listen to music that Identifies exactly with how you're feeling at the moment, though its also important to listen to positive, uplifting and motivating music as well. Let music be a fire to set you in the right direction, to inspire you to be, feel and do better.
Music can improve your attitude and state of mind. It helps me in ways too, where, lets say something happened in my personal life, and i start to feel a little worried... and I have to go do an interview, or a film, or shoot. For me, having a positive state of mind, especially when Im working, is vital. The positive energy I have within has to be vibrated wherever I go. Being a positive influence on others and sharing positive vibrations is very important to me. No matter what Im doing, I like to be the best and help bring that out in others as well. I wouldn't be able to bring it out myself.
Sometimes, on my way there, Ill blast a motivating positive song and ill put it on repeat and gain that positivity again. Music is so Powerful.
Even with negativity.. Theres songs that I put on that put me in a state of mind where I can recall and remember pain and torments Ive been through. I use it to remind myself how strong I really am, that Ive made it out and the inspiration that I feel within, I use it as fuel for blogs to share with everyone so that they too can be reminded and know that they have the strength to get through what they are facing as well.
Even in romantic situations, music can set the atmosphere for the kind of emotion you're trying to portray to a particular person. It helps the person feel what you're feeling, therefore embracing and joining your energy and aura.
Music is the rhythm of life. Use it for the good. Use it to motivate, uplift and inspire yourself and remind yourself of positive affirmations and beliefs. That energy will radiate from you onto those around you.
Let the right music set the tone for your life and dance to the rhythm of your own drums!
Set the tone for your life.
More Information On The Importance of Music
Wednesday, November 5, 2014
So many haters and doubters...
But even before all this..
When He said... "I know the plans I have for you.."
and that its going to come with an abundance of persecution and nay sayers...
thats all I needed to hear.
So let them hate... I still have the same vision in my spirit that He gave me 10 years ago, before any of this came to pass. Theres always a greater picture, no matter what human wants to doubt it, love it, hate it, with it, without it, whatever..
theres a reason why He says, its a lonely road there. cause anyone you don't need, He's going to remove from your life and all the doubters... He's setting up my table so you can watch me eat.. thats all I gotta say... The greatness from within, is coming out, and in due time will be in full bloom. and even then Ill have haters. Persecution is something Ive learned to deal with and not let get in my way or make excuses and believe others when they know nothing of where my path is leading. All they know is their own inner insecurities and what they lack within themselves, which is believing in themselves. Im not going to let that spirit in me, cause I know what I came from, I know where Im going and I know that greatness isn't achieved without a painful fight.
I already knew that my path would come with a lot of hatred, misunderstandings, persecution, doubters, nonbelievers, pain, torment and trauma. Sometimes I get caught up in day to day, and I have to remind myself that I was made for all this, that Im stronger than the hate around me, that the spirit of Love within me is greater than any obstacle ahead of me. that those obstacles were put there to shape and mold me. What is shit without pain anyways? Honestly we all need to bust our asses sometimes to see the value of being able to stand after. A lot of people can't even appreciate that much anymore, then you wonder why you're stuck in your situations, in your insecurities, your doubts and unbeliefs.. then you see those who acknowledge their inner light, and you want to pull them down?? Hey Guess thats how the world is. Nothing new under the sun, as they say.
The bigger I get the more I see it. And NOT everyone will see your vision or believe it, cause people lack faith, even in themselves.
People!! Don't you realize it all starts within yourself????
When you doubt someone elses positivity or success or hate on it, thats really an issue that you should address outhunt yourself!
Theres something unhealed within yourself that you should take the time to fix, instead of taking it out on others who are actually fighting against it and having faith and building strength.
We all have an inner battle, and the sad truth, is that the majority of people will never see the issues they have within cause they're too busy taking it out on others who are actually trying and becoming successful.
Its just the truth though... Thats why most of the majority, are like that. They lack faith in themselves, love within, and don't know how to tune out everyone else and fix their own damn issues.
But hey who am I? Im just throwing the truth out there whether people find it comfortable to hear/read or not...
"Im responsible for what I say, not what you can understand"
Listen I am loved, admired, looked up to, yes I'm successful... Im also occasionally tried, tested, disrespected, talked down by some media and even people. Im questioned because I do adult films for now, yet theres a great spirit within me that they don't comprehend. Most don't understand my vision..though theres some who truly see it and are excited.. Not everyone is going to believe me. But its not my job to prove them right either. I stand tall, stay strong, and remember the vision Ive had since many many years ago. Ive already been foreWarned that Im going to face so much for it as well.
Theres greatness within me and I know what thats gonna cost too... not easy. But I am supplied and well capable. Thats all that matters.
With greatness comes persecution.
For those FEW on the road to greatness as well:
Don't let the majority get you down! Let that shape you to show love towards them regardless of all their insecurities and ignorance that they throw at you. Don't let Outer voices shut out your inner spirit. Remember, you are great. With greatness comes persecution, don't give up. If you want to give hope, be an example of it to yourself first. Cant be a giver of Light if you don't recognize it yourself first. Believe it so much, breathe it so much that the light has no Choice but to shine in the midst of their darkness. You're going to be Loved yes... but you will also be hated, persecuted, disrespected, you'll face jealousy and much more. No its not easy.... but its worth it. Its Bittersweet.
Love everyone regardless. Don't take their disrespect at face value. Know in your heart that Their insecurities is whats causing that.. Small minds can't comprehend great spirits.
Put these affirmations on your mirror that you use everyday:
"I rather stand tall than live on my knees. I won't accept defeat"
don't give up on yourself, your vision and your spirit. ever. not an option!!!!
"Got a vision that no one else sees. A lot of dirty work, roll up your sleeves"
No one is going to believe you or your vision or how you have to make it work most of the time. YOU keep the faith regardless. Only YOU carry that great spirit, only YOU can comprehend it.Get it? Dom fall into what society feels might be right for you. Don't let anyone dictate your path. Theres a reason why most turn out to be average. YOU are GREAT.. Huge difference huh?
"Try telling me no. One thing about me, Im a conqueror!"
no one has to understand what and why you're doing what you need to do to make your vision happen, only you do. the wrong people will fade, the right will stay. that is all.
"Remember theres a war out there so come prepared to fight"
Your weapons are not physical but spiritual- Faith, Love, Endurance, Perseverance, Positive thinking, Hope, Strength, Integrity, and work hard.
"we all make mistakes, you might fall on your face, but you gotta get up"
Thursday, October 23, 2014
Tuesday, October 21, 2014
"it's easier to fool people then to convince them that they have been fooled" -Mark Twain
Truth. I have a personal experience that relates to this truth. There was a girl that I was want to close to and she was going through a situation that I saw firsthand. I observed her situation and wanted to tell her the truth, that she was being used and fooled. For nothing did she believe me, because she was already in that situation for so long that it became all she knew. So I wanted to see something.. Instead of telling her that she was being fooled, I wanted to see how easily she can be fooled. A situation arose, and I told her one thing that was not true... Just to see, because obviously telling her the truth is not getting through her head. So I told her something that was not true and of course she completely believed it. Well I don't like fooling people soul later on I told her the truth, in which she did not believe. I'm just glad I told her the truth anyways, but when I read this quote it reminded me of her.
Though me and her do not have the most positive history, though she has lied to me, stabbed me in the back, misuse my trust, and deceived me and plotted against me, I still hope that she is doing okay. Till this day, though I am nowhere near her situation anymore, I see she is still being Fooled.
"You can leave the horse to the water but you can't make them drink" as for my part, at least I know that I tried to give her the truth but it is up to her to awaken within herself.
Though the "reminded me of her situation, I know many others are facing the same thing. I know people are in situations something like that, similar to what I'm talking about in the quote, and sometimes I have to question like how do you not see that you're being fooled? why aren't you putting things together, connecting the dots to help you understand what is going on around you? Or maybe a better question like why would you lie to yourself? why would you blind yourself to the truth just hope to have something that will never be there?
I try to understand what people go through and why they feel the way they feel so I put myself in her shoes and I kind of did the same thing. But I couldn't help but to put everything together and connect the dots and see the truth so I was always wondering why she couldn't do the same?
Truth is some people just refuse to see the truth, that is if they aren't already ignorant to it
If you are ignorant to it then you just don't know, but if you blatantly see it in front of you why lie to yourself and make yourself feel like it's one way when you know it's really not? Why live a lie?
Honestly in my personal opinion it's a waste of time it's a waste of energy when your life can be evolving into something a lot more meaningful and have a lot more progress and you can be a lot happier just being honest with yourself and growing and evolving from within. I guess that's why they say that one of the rarest things that people are able to do is to live out their own truth. Because it will have to take them to face it first.