Watching "Hot Girls Wanted". I know and have worked with a lot of those on the film. I'm glad they decided to be honest about the actual experience in the industry and how it really goes. It is also part of the reason why I decided to retire. One of the most honest was Stella May. Thank you for being honest and open about how the industry really is and how it makes some of us women feel behind the scenes. People do not realize the physical risk, health risks, emotional tolls, the toll it takes on your personal life and how it makes you feel personally when you see that what they are displaying is not who you really are more so just an object.
It is one thing to be proud of who you are in all aspects, even sexually. Owning who you are sexually is very self empowering. But this particular industry doesn't always promote that so much. Yet it is glamorized on the forefront and all the new girls coming into it have no idea what world they are stepping into but Get hit with the truth when they are at their first or second shoot and they start to see and get a taste of what it is really like to be in that industry.
I used to even get hired a lot to talk to the new girls before they actually put their face on camera to give them the 101 talk. The reality of it so that they can have a fair chance at deciding for themselves.
I for one, because I was already promiscuous years before I ever thought of putting it on camera, knew that putting a camera and for the whole world to see that my face is attached to a possibly degrading title and video concept, I knew and started to get the real idea that I had to make a decision whether not I should keep going through this or stop at the third shoot. At the time that I started it took a toll on my personal life and severed a lot of relationships that I had. Family friends lovers and so on.
So my decision at the time was to become numb to it and see where this goes. ( I didn't want to judge something just awful of a taste. I don't like feeling like I'm judging. Actually fully experiencing something I making a calculated decision on it on whether it's right for you or not is what I would rather do so I saw through). It was a whole new experience in a sense and I wanted to see what this was all about. The first 8 to 9 months was not easy. I was in a relationship that was falling apart because of what I was doing. Eventually it completely fell apart and I took a month off to regroup my thoughts and then one month turned into 7 to 8 months of sobriety from everything in the world. I had moved to the Midwest and stayed out of the industry for a while. I gained a peace of mind and a sense of self. Meditation exercise exploring nature and my job and being alone or my main focus at that time. It was the most peaceful. Of my life. That helped me to realize that self actualization is one of the most if not the most important thing along the journey to have. Due to circumstances I ended up moving back to Miami and two months later ended up working at tootsies as a exotic dancer (stripper).
This was also another aspect of that industry that I had absolutely no idea about. I walked in there not knowing a clue on what to do what to say or even what that world was even about. I only knew one girl in there and she basically showed me the inns and outs of that world and how to make top dollar doing the least but being smart about it. To me it felt dark and not right. But I usually always tend to trust my intuition, trust the journey and whatever lessons it has in store for me through any experience. And I did. I learned a lot. I also went through a lot in that world too. It is very tough doing that job and it's very dangerous but it also gave me a different type of confidence in myself. I worked there for almost a year and then switched between that club and two other clubs, got a place of my own and decided to give it another shot as an adult actress since I was already numb to everything that was going on. This time I had no relationships, family was barely ever around, I literally only had myself. Gave it another shot and came back fully doing boy girl scenes and all that stuff. It grew from just that to documentaries to reality TV shows to radio station interviews and so much more. I was always busy and never home I was always on a plane traveling with constant work and clients as well. Almost a year later I just knew I was really ready to stop. I was happy with the money and the freedom but I wasn't happy with what my name was linked to. It wasn't linked to anything that truly had to do with who I really am. It was always whoever I'm acting out in the film as an object to a man's desire. It was never me for who I am and what I really have to offer on all aspects. And so in that sense I felt like I was lying to myself and that feeling for me is one of the most uncomfortable feelings. So I knew I had a choice to make. Either keep going and I had it at the very least another three months of work lined up already, or have the courage to really stop and show who I really am. And I stayed off set for two months thinking and that's when I knew that this was it. This was the end of the road for this aspect. To just acknowledge it for the good and bad that it came with, take all the lessons that I've learned from it and move forward to the next part of my life that is going to get me closer to completely becoming one with who I truly am.